Would you like to hear a story?
Of course you would, who doesn't like a good story.
There once was a girl, she was always smiling, always happy, and so very innocent.
She was in love with a boy. And this boy told her he loved her...right before he told her that he loved her sister and that she was just a replacement for her.
This broke the girls heart.
It wouldn't have been as bad if she hadn't lost some of her innocence to this boy.
Not all of it. Just some.
It might not have been this event that made her heart broken and alone, but since that time, she has never been truly happy. Now, if you see her, you would never know who she used to be. This girl is still always smiling, but only to please those around her. Even when she is laughing, she is thinking about how much she hates life.
She pretends to be happy so no one asks or wonders. She never wants to upset others.
That girl, she is me. And as time passes, I find it harder and harder to pretend to be happy.
Whats the point? No one has a clue on how I really feel. If I killed myself it would be a shock to everyone. No one would expect it. But I guess no one knowing is my own fault. I keep my feelings inside. I hide things from everyone.
Its hard to be here. I have no one to talk to. My best friend is far away from me, living her own life, why would I bother her with my problems? That is unfair. So I sit here alone. So very alone. The only time I interact with other people are with my 'friends,' who never ask me to hang out with them or go out of their way for me, at lunch and practice. The rest of the time I sit alone in my room dreaming of a better life. A simpler life. Why can't I be happy? Some people would say, "But you have a boyfriend, how are you not happy?" *Smile* Yes, I have a boyfriend. And when I'm with him it is probably some of the only times I'm close to being truly happy. But the dark thoughts are still there. And that glow of happiness is gone within an hour of him leaving. I don't want to depend on others for my happiness. Its not fair! Why should I be sad and alone just because I'm not with people. How is it fair that I'm only happy with people? Its not fair! Maybe I need to go to therapy. Maybe I'm mental! Or just clinically depressed. Yea...*sigh* whatever. Maybe I'm just emotional right now? I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm so confused all of the time. I hate it. Its so hard to live with not knowing where your life is going. Really I don't need a bunch of friends. Just one good friend. Someone I can share all my secret with, my fears, my thoughts. I can't stand keeping everything inside. I just feel like crying all of the time. And if there is anything in the world I hate, its crying. The only time I cry is when something is REALLY REALLY wrong. So feeling the need to cry all the time makes me think that there is something wrong...but I only realize it subconsciously. Honestly, I think I'm getting close to a nervous break down. I'm nervous about everything. Ha, that's all I need. A fucking mental break down. Great.